A Vision of A Cross

I once had a vision that I did not understand.

I was in a huge dome like structure. The top was this really dark aqua color that faded to white as the color got closer the ground. The room's air was very cool, not cold but cool. The ground was covered in soft gray ashes and felt cool on the feet. In the very center of this dome was a wooden cross. The cross was burned but it still stood. The wood was now charcoal and looked as if it would fall apart if touched. But I knew it wouldn't. On the cross from the left to the right was a silver chain, bright and sparkling. At the point where it was connected to the cross it was one chain. As it went from one side to the other, the chain duplicated. At the center of the cross was where the chain was at it's most. There were five chains. As it continued to the other side where the chain connected to the cross again it slowly went back to one chain. On both sides where the chain connected to the cross, it was one chain. The parts where it hung was where the dividing and rejoining took place.

A Vision that Comes

For years, I would have a vision whenever i thought about where my life was heading. And it was always the same. It came so much that I started dreaming about it. Here is the vision first...

I am standing in a desert where the there is no sign of life. No grass, no weeds, no animals. And there is nothing to signify that life even existed where I was standing. The ground was so dry that there were huge cracks all over the place. There were clouds overhead, dark and taunting. They had the look of letting down rain but I knew they would not. I stood there, clothes ragged, torn, and dirty. My head was hanging low and I stood alone.

This vision came to me so often that it eventually turned into a dream...

As I stood there, I looked at the dry ground that cried out for water. Inside i felt the very same way. I felt as if I was so desperate for something I need but was unable to attain it. I could feel the dryness and the heat of the desert. My throat tight and dry. I looked around at the desolate plain and tried to find someone or somewhere I could go to get away but the plain was endless. I then turned my gaze to the sky and saw the clouds. They were full of water and ready to let the rain fall, but they wouldn't. Lightening struck in the distance and it was the only other sound besides my breath and my beating heart. Slowly and softly, a voice came to me. "Look at where you are. You are all alone." At first the voice sounded as if it was informing me. But as it went on, it became an insulting and taunting voice. "You see where you are? You are all alone. You are deserted and have been abandoned. Your choices led you here. And now... you realize a truth that you ignored...." As the voice was saying this, pain entered my heart as tears were lining up to pour out. The voice became so loud and powerful that it knocked me off my feet as it said, "THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!!" "NOOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed in rebuke. "This is not my destiny! This is not how it ends!" Silence. The sound of my heavy breathing was the only thing heard for the longest time. Then the voice calmly and mockingly asked, "Then how did you get here?"

I would always wake up from this dream right at this point. Still breathing heavy, heart pounding, and covered in sweat. This plagued me for so long. I then asked God what it meant. Here is the reply I got from Him...

"My child, you are heading down a path that will lead you there. I have been trying to open your eyes for sometime now but you ignored me. And because you refused to listen, i let the destination of your path be clear. So clear that it would you could feel it. The voice you heard was not mine, it was Satan's. This is where he wants you. He wants you to be there. And the reason he is going after you is because he KNOWS what you can do if you whole-heartedly follow after me. Don't walk away from me, I am protecting you. Follow me and your path will not lead to destruction and isolation. It will not be easy, but it will be safe. I love you and I will do anything for you, my son."

A Dream that Troubled Me

i was at my house in the backyard. there was a long tent and inside of it was my belongings that i was trying to sell. it was like a yard sell in the backyard. there was all sorts of stuff. couches, dressers, room decor, fish tanks with just water and those little rocks in them, and some junk. well, i was walking out of one end and my little brother was setting the tent on fire. he was trying to get revenge for something i didn't do but he thought i did. i put out the fire and explained to him that it wasn't my fault what had happened to him. then i saw my pastor trying to empty a fish tank by tipping it over. i ran over to him to ask what he was doing. but when i got there i knew exactly what he was doing. someone had put a new born baby boy into the tank full of water and left it to die. so as he poured out the water i caught the baby. i looked around to see if anyone would claim it or call an ambulance. and right next to the table where the baby boy was two women had emptied another tank with a baby girl in it. it was the boy's twin. i looked back at the boy hoping it was still alive. but it wasn't breathing i didn't know what to do.i prayed a quick prayer and then the baby started spitting up and it started to breathe again and started crying. i asked my pastor how they got in there. he said a lady came and was saying how she couldn't take care of them so she threw them in the tanks. the girl didn't make it. she drowned. i held that crying boy in my arms and tears filled my eyes. i kept thinking how can someone do that? and when i woke up. i still felt that pain

What Is Love?

I cried and cried. But I felt no touch from anyone. I heard no reassuring words. I only felt alone and abandoned. When I finally felt God with me, I became angry. "How could you leave me alone in that time of suffering?!" He stayed silent. "Do you even care about me?!" still silent. "Am I worth nothing to you?! Why would you do this to me?!" silent He remained. "How can you call yourself God when you leave your followers in the darkest hour of their life with no guidance? You’re nothing but a fake." Still, not a word. "You once sent someone to stop me from killing myself. They didn't know it but they were just doing as they were told. Why did you send them? To let me suffer some more? Just so you can see me in pain? Is that what you enjoy? Is it God?!" finally, He sighed. After all that, just a sound. "Is that it? Is that all you got to say? No explanations? No words of comfort?" "You don't understand My son." "My son? You should know I don't trust anyone anymore as a father in my life. Why call me that anyway?" "It got your attention didn't it? It’s what you want to hear right?" "Yeah. But how can I trust someone to be my father when all I’ve seen a father do is abandon his own child. Even you left me." “I did not abandon you. You left my arms of safety." "Then why didn't you come after me? Why didn't you reach out for me? Why didn't you stop me? If you can control everything why did let this happen to me?" then his silence started again. "I can't take this anymore God. Every time I try to make you happy I end up getting hurt. Every time I open up to someone they hurt me. Intentionally or unintentionally. All I feel is pain. I’m beginning to forget what love is." He was quiet for a while then He spoke, "then maybe you should speak to someone who can tell you what love is." "Who would that be?" "My Son of course." "Why would he want to talk to me? I’ve broken his trust." "Says who?" ".....I don't know. I can feel it." "What you are feeling is your own guilt, not the truth." "So....he still wants to talk with me?" God gave a chuckle and said "He always wants to talk with you. That’s why he's always knocking at the door of your heart. He will spend hours talking about you to me. He knows I know everything about you but he tells me anyway. Do you know why?" I pondered for what seemed to be hours. But still couldn't think of anything. "No. I don't know why. Maybe when he was crucified something messed him up" God burst out in laughter. "There is nothing wrong with him. Other than the fact that he loves you. No matter what you did to me or him. He still died on that cross for you. He knew that one day you would hurt him but he forgave you way in advance. Just like you knew that other people would hurt you." immediately a verse came to my memory revelations 2:4 "...you have forsaken your first love." tears started to fill my eyes but God came and wiped them away. When He did more came. And He wiped those too. Then I began to weep. And as my tears flowed from my eyes down my face. They began to fall to the ground. But before they hit God caught those too. When I had regained myself, I asked, "Why did you catch my tears?" "I know every tear that you have ever cried. But you don't. So I catch every one of them and place them here." I saw a hand holding to what seemed to be water but something inside me told me that those were the tears I had just cried. Then he poured them into a jar. This jar stood a couple feet taller than me. I walked around the jar looking at it. "These are all the tears that I have ever cried?" then I looked around and I saw that there were other jars around me. But they weren't as big as mine. "Whose are these?" I asked as I looked at the unending sea of smaller jars. They are the tears of everyone in the world." as I looked some of them were different sizes. But still, none were as big as mine. "Come. There is something else I need to show you." we entered into a room that was filled with jars ten times bigger than mine. "Whoa. Whose are these?" then, with a bit of sadness He answered, "my son's." I looked again at them and they all had names on them. “Are these the tears he cried for everyone?" "Yes they are. And look at that one over there." I looked in the direction that He motioned. There I saw the biggest jar of them all. It had the smallest label on it. I walked over to the gigantic jar to read the label when I was close enough I read the label out loud. “‘These are the tears that I cried for my friend, Andrew Brandal Guthrie jr.' these are tears that Jesus cried for me? Why so many?" "Because every time you cried one tear, he cried 100 times as many." slowly guilt started to fill in the emptiness that I longed to be filled. And a tear dropped from my face. Almost like He was expecting it (and He was), God reached for it and caught it. Then He left to go put it in my jar of tears. After He left I heard someone weeping. I started to look for it and then I realized that it was coming from above me. I walked up to the giant jar. Then the Holy Spirit came and lifted me up. He carried me into the air. I noticed that He was lifting me up to the top the jar that Jesus cried into for me. As I got closer to the top the weeping grew louder. When I got to the top, He gently set me down and left. When I turned around I saw a man kneeling over the tears staring into them. He was the one who was weeping. "Who are you?" I asked. “I am the one who cried all these tears for you." I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say anything. But just stare at the man bent over the jar's top. He didn't turn to look at me. I didn't want him to. I knew he was Jesus and I didn't want him to see me. I was too ashamed to face him. "You don't need to be ashamed of yourself." I was shocked. it was like he knew exactly what I was thinking. "I know it seems like I know exactly what you’re thinking and that's exactly the way it is. But the truth is, I only know what my father is telling me." "Did He tell you what I’ve done?" "He didn't have to." I was baffled. "Then you know?" "Yes." "And you still want to be my friend?" "Yes." "Didn’t what I do hurt you?" "Look into this jar and you will see that it did." as I looked I saw how everything I did brought tears to his eyes. Everything was happening like a flashback. Then after he recovered from the pain he started to weep some more. But he wasn't weeping from what I had done, he was weeping for me. For my forgiveness. "Please father, forgive him. He doesn't know what he's doing. I know he's capable of being better but he just needs direction. Don’t punish him. Just send someone into his life to put him back on the right path. Please father, I ask this as your son." after the flashback had finished I fell to my knees. I buried my face in my hands and began crying like I had never cried before. Then I felt a pair of arms come around me and hug me. It was Jesus. He was comforting me, letting me know he's there. Then we began weeping together. I still had my face in my hands. but when I pulled my face out of my hands I realized that God had came back and He caught my tears before I did. "Now do you know what love is?"

Reasoning

Have you ever stopped to think? Not about anything in particular, just think? I used to ride the light rail and bus to school. That took about 1 hour and 15 minutes. And in that time, I would just think. Sometimes I would plan my day, somedays I would think about God. And other days I would just think. And in that thinking I would remember philosophical phrases or theological topics. And I would debate them in my head with myself. I would take both sides and let myself fight. Sometimes there was a winner and sometimes it was a stalemate. But also in that time, I would pray and ask God to reveal things to me. I would ask for His input and how He would resolve the debate. And in that time while I was bringing God into the conversation with myself, I would end up bringing up a topic that I was asking Him to explain to me. When I went to bible college, a verse was revealed to me.

Isaiah 1:18 "'Come let us reason together' says the Lord..."

God, the Creator of all things, would want us to reason or debate with Him. I questioned that for a while. But then I realized what the true intention of that verse is. God wants a relationship. All relationships involve communication. When we pray, think, or reason with God, that is a form of communication. God wants us to explain our reasoning to Him, even though He knows our reasoning, so we can talk to Him. And through that talking, our relationship with Him will grow. Sometimes our way of thinking will be wrong. But God is patient and will direct our minds to the truth. He wants us to reason for communication and, if necessary, correction. If you have something on your mind, talk to God. Reason with Him.

Change

How often do you look back at your past? When you do look at your past, is it in shame? Or do you look at your past and think about how far you have come? Our past is a stepping stone, but it is not the platform. When the present becomes the past we have no control of it any more. The only thing we can control about our past is what we do with it in the future. Do we let it run our life? Or do we learn from it and move on? Our past often has people in it. Sometimes these people don't want to move on when we are ready to let go. They try to find ways of staying connected because when they were with us they felt safe and secure. When we try to move on, it's a new area of life for them. And in fear, they try to hold onto us. They are afraid that the new direction they are heading in will lead to disaster rather than healing. This is a wrong way of thinking. I can tell you from personal experience that it is better to let go and move on. If you hold a cactus in your hand you will be hurt by the needles on it. The longer you hold, the more pain you feel. If you let go, there is still pain. But that pain is only temporary. And when that pain ends, the healing begins. We need to let go of people who are trying to move on. And we also need to move on ourselves. Even if that means letting go of someone in our lives. If you are afraid of the uncertainty of the future, you are not alone. The future cannot be predicted. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. But each day is a gift and we should use it wisely. Take a step in a new direction, trust in God as you do, and don't look back. A new direction always has the force of moment against it. But after the turbulance is over, it's smooth sailing. We are humans; humans are everchanging. Don't become stagnant and mold. Keep your life in motion and be as clear as a fresh stream!!!

Life Is Unfair

Who can stand before God? Who is worthy enough to walk in His presence. After all the sin that is in my life I know I am unworthy to approach Him. And I have a pretty good feeling that all of you who read this are unworthy as well. We have hurt God in so many ways we have to wonder if we will ever be good enough. We have hurt God more times than we can remember. But God does not forget. We are responsible for the things we have done and we will have to suffer the consequences of the actions we have done as well. We will stand before God in judgement. Will we be approved by Him? I think not. BUT!! There is a way we can be approved by God. And that is His Son Jesus Christ. Jesus paid the price of our sins when He died on the cross. The punishment for our sins is death, an eternal death. And Christ, who had no sin, became sin for us and paid the price of death. He took what we deserved and paid it Himself. It is only through Christ that we can enter into God's presence! God judges fairly, and I am so glad that Jesus makes life unfair!! :)